Cigarette Pack The Attack
by babygray
Summary: There's a reason why Heero gets rather pissy... and it's not because of his training... Humor, penis jokes, Heero- and Quatre-bashing maybe? , OOC, swearing, hinted-at 2x1 and 2x4, and sheer stupidity.


This is one of my favorite stories, but that doesn't mean it's any good. It's quite dumb, actually. I wrote this _way_ back in July, 2001. Two of my friends told me a very entertaining story that I could resist writing down, which technically makes this a collaboration of sorts. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only one taking the blame for this silliness. If you've never read it, _it's new to you_. Please enjoy.

Warnings: Humor, penis jokes, Heero- and Quatre-bashing (maybe?), OOC, hinted-at 2x1 _and_ 2x4, and swearing.  
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Or something.

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**_Cigarette Pack - The Attack_**

Heero frowned as he entered the bathroom facility. He shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed of his body, but knowing that he would be sharing the showers on the Peacemillion with the other four pilots, as well as all the (male) techs and the ship's (male) crew, did not ease his apprehension.

His expression turned sour when he saw that Duo was also taking a shower in the men's shower room. Hoping to not be noticed, he turned on his heels, determine to go to the -other- shower room.

He was spotted.

"Hey, Heero, get over here!" Duo called out as he pushed his wet bangs away from his face. "You got the gear, but you're not gonna use it?"

Heero glared. "What 'gear'?"

"The towel, stupid."

Heero took a peek at the towel he had draped over his shoulder before glaring at Duo once more.

Duo grinned, unfazed. "Hurry and get undressed and maybe I'll let you use my soap-on-a-rope." With that, he turned the rest of his attention to his own shower.

Heero's expression did not change as he peeled the spandex and green top off. He meticulously folded the clothes and laid them in an empty locker. Leaving the towel as well, he stalked towards the showers.

Spotting an empty showerhead crammed between the exit and the showerhead Duo was using, he shyly turned it on. Immediately, he turned to face the wall, hoping that the other pilot would ignore him.

Yeah. Right.

"What's wrong?" Duo said, noticing Heero's tense state. "Don't like public baths?"

"This is hardly public," Trowa said as he walked past Heero and Duo in search of a showerhead of his own.

Heero frowned.

"Why not?" Duo continued.

Heero looked down at his manhood.

Duo looked down as well.

"Aw, Heero," Duo comforted as he handed him the soap-on-a-rope, "it's not that bad. There's plenty of guys that have small penises. Take me for example."

Heero turned his head slightly to look at Duo's. "5-inch penises are not small, Duo," he said, raising his glare to Duo's face.

"Well, 5 seems teeny to me... Hey, how long is yours?"

"Two."

"Two?"

Heero scowl deepened. "Thank you for announcing it, Duo."

"Like size matters," Wufei said as he too walked past the conversing pilots in search of a showerhead.

Heero's frown darkened.

"Aw, come on," Duo tried to reassure, "maybe it's a grower."

"A grower?" Heero repeated.

"What's a grower?"

Duo and Heero turned their heads to see exactly whom had just walk into their conversation, again.

Behind them, Quatre smiled. "What are you two talking about?"

"Uh," Duo stalled. "You know those stupid little sponges shaped like dinosaurs you can buy for a dollar?"

Quatre's face brightened. He hasn't seen one of those in ages. "Yeah?"

"That."

"Oh," Quatre said, a bit crestfallen as he made his way to another showerhead. Heero's and Duo's gaze followed him, both catching immediately Quatre's well-endowed manhood.

"Damn!" Duo harshly whispered in disbelief. "That thing's touchin' his knees... Damn..."

Heero quickly caught the tone of admiration in that last 'damn'. He glared angrily at Quatre, a glare that Quatre soon felt.

"Heero?" He turned his head towards the seething pilot of Wing Zero, hoping to see what was the matter.

Unfortunately for Quatre, he never saw what was coming. In a move more reminiscent of the flicking of a cigarette than the throwing of a fastball, Heero hurled the soap-on-a-rope past Duo and towards Quatre's head. Before anyone could react, the foamy bar connected with Quatre's forehead, right between the eyes, thus knocking the blond out in one perfectly executed move.

Duo stood there, stunned, for a brief moment before turning enraged eyes at Heero. "What the fuck's wrong with you?" he cried out, hands clenched at his sides. "Soap-on-a-ropes are *not* for beaming blonds!"

Heero did not flinch, but dared not meet the fury in Duo's eyes. The water ran down his dark hair as he held his face low and to the side.

Resisting the urge to deck Heero in the showers, Duo turned on his heels and went to help Trowa assist dazed (little?) Quatre off the tiled floor.

Ashamed at his lack of control, Heero ignored the soap film still on his skin (and the dark looks Duo was giving him) and stalked out of the showers. He slapped the spandex and tanktop on his wet and slightly soapy skin. He slung the towel over his shoulder and stalked out of the bathroom facility, hoping that his shame did not show in his step.

And all the while, Wufei tried desperately to ignore the whole incident by scrubbing himself harder. "How dishonorable," he muttered to himself as he diligently lathered up. "They're not looking at my shit."

On a happier note, the soap-on-a-rope survived the ordeal on being hit on the back by a Quatre.


End file.
